Ok, so I've been avoiding this post for a while. But I thought you may have some advice on how to cope with my situation and emotions.

There are times when the adoption process is tough on me. The paperwork, minute details, running around and waiting is all fine... But what's tough for me is when you have to describe your family life. For your agency application. Homestudy. Psychologist for the dossier. Anyone we talk about the new family we are creating.

Growing up I idolized my father. He would take us fishing, ice skating, canoeing or to the playgrounds. He was so involved in our lives and it was obvious he enjoyed it. He worked at the same job for over 25 years to provide stability for his family even though he had other options and aspirations. One of my precious memories was day my first dog Buffy was put to sleep. I must have been 11 or 12, and remember crying all night but had my father by my side comforting me.

In my 20s we were best friends. We would talk hours about work, travels, my relationships with boys, his relationship with my mother, everything. As a young girl he promised me a trip to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower when I graduated from college. We did that in June 1994. When I moved to England at 24, he would phone me almost every day just to check in on me. Over four years, he would visit three times a year and we traveled to some amazing places all over Europe together.

In the late '90s my parents finally started the divorce process after 10 years of unhappiness. There was some unnecessary craziness in the process fueled by my mother which eventually also lead me to end of my relationship with her. In 2001, I moved back to Madison to be with him. I didn't like that he was alone - away from his kids which he lived and breathed for for almost 30 years.

In 2002 he unexpectedly passed away from an aortic dissection at the age of 57. It's hard to think that our children will not know their grandfather. It's hard not sharing this process with him. He would have LOVED to travel to Russia with us. And he would have LOVED to be a grandpa. The excitement I feel for having children also has a cloud of sadness because we won't have him to share it with. (On a side note, we don't have Michael's father either - he passed away in 2000.)

One of the reasons for going back to Madison two weeks ago was to visit the cemetery on Father's Day. It was sad for me. But it was nice to be there that day since I only get back home once a year. I saw so many visitors to the cemetery. Mom and 20ish daughter. Car full of 30-something siblings. A lone 30 year old man. A 30ish woman with her husband. I don't know alot of people my age with a deceased parent. But that day, I (unfortunately) had a lot of company.

Next time I go to "Dad's place" (our code phrase for the cemetery) I will have two children. I know future trips back to the Midwest we'll want to see "the cousins" in Chicago and Indiana (3-6 hours away). The cemetery is a weird place to be with my father. To me, he lives in my heart and in my head with so many memories. So I don't know when we'll actually go back to "Dad's place".

So my question to you.... How do you cope with these mixed emotions? How do you introduce and keep alive the memories of loved ones with your children?