Show everyone your big eyeOK, I admit it - our sweet little girl is driving me crazy.
My post from Monday was AFTER having a free day. Yes - that's how much she is getting to me. (Thanks for all of your supportive comments. I decided to forego the Jamba Juice and had an amaretto sour before dinner last night.) Michael took her to two doctor appointments and then did some driving around town so I could have some downtime. (Not to make excuses but I'm also battling a cold and very worried about Thani's condition.)
Rita's a very sweet girl, and I'd say 90% cooperative these days. She's doing better than we could ever wish... But there has been some real testing. I realize that ...
- She's been couped up for the last six days due to her operations. Starting tomorrow or Thursday we will start to go to the playground, play tennis, etc.
- It's spring break this week and next - she's been asking to go to school. I think she's bored hanging around the house. She likes people and high energy activities over learning workbooks, crafts, computer games and television with her parents.
- We can't go on one of our daily walks with Thani - or play with him. She knows that he is sick and is on special medicine.
What is getting to me is that she isn't listening to me. Up until this point, our challenge was getting her to listen to Michael. It seems like whenever she is around me she won't listen and we end up in timeout. Of course, this means she doesn't want to me around me and is always running to Papa.
We are basically using the Supernanny technique for timeouts. I'm also reading 1-2-3 Magic but don't like the method as much because they suggest the timeout area is her room (away from us), plus we would need to put a lock on her door (because she wouldn't stay there) and I don't like the idea of locking her up.
What I do think that's working with the 1-2-3 Magic theory is the "no talking / no emotions" delivery of the warnings and timeout. We've been trying to explain to Rita why she's getting her warnings and I think it's becoming apparent that she already knows. The effectiveness of the 1-2-3 warnings is being lost with all of the explanations and words.
When we end up in a timeout, she won't stay in her timeout area. I will place her back in her spot over and over again. Then she'll start biting, scratching, or punching me. I don't know what to do to keep her in her timeout place. (Seeking your advice here) She's even been known to give us this gesture ("fig sign" aka "screw you/no way") during this phase and of course that is totally unacceptable. (Also dealing with a "respect" issue, we are also working on breaking her habit of calling Michael "Michael" instead of "Papa". It was cute at first...)
Oh, and another issue we are dealing with is that she is very aggressive with her hugs, kisses and overall touching and giving affection. We are having to push her away and show her how to do it properly. Otherwise, she is poking our eyes out, grabbing our noses, hitting our faces, jumping on us (including our heads), etc.
OK - just wanted to keep it real and throw out some real life drama for you!
Yesterday, the timeout thing just wasn't working so I had to also take away her television and computer privileges. So Michael got out a 1000-piece puzzle (!) and we had a good time putting that together as an activity after dinner....
With our other patient resting close-by...
Adopt A Child.orgAdopting from Russia
Eastern European Adoption Coalition, Inc
Embassy of the Russian Federation
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
Karen's Adoption Links
Older Child Adoption
Russia Adoption Blog
Russian Adoption Medical Services
Russian Family Search
Russian Toys
Vernissage Press
As far as the timeouts go I can't be of much help. I bet you'll get some suggestions for holding time though... you might have to sit and hold her in place during the timeout (and then calm the fighting). Right now we've had more luck with taking toys and privileges away. And I've been counting to three for a long time. Now all I have to do is say "One..." and they start moving. It takes a while to get to that though. (I may not be using the same technique you talk about... it's a simple 1-2-3, now you've lost such-and-such or have a timeout). I will say that at 6 years old, the twins can tune us out and ignore like never before. It's incredibly frustrating.
I just found your blog while researching russian adoption (we are currently in the middle of one :)).
I hate to give advice unless asked, but we have a "spirited 4 1/2 year old" who sounds very much like your daughter....
Supernanny is great, her advice is helpful, but, for the timeout thing we had the same problem as you... our daughter couldn't stay still.
We eventually put a baby safety knob cover over her bedroom door and put her in her room for her timeouts. That seemed to get the point across to her that we meant business.
She now knows that if she gets up from her timeout spot in the living room, that she will be moved to her room...and the timer doesn't start until her tantrum stops.
Hope that helps,
Jen
And as a sidenote: We've been through heartworm treatment with a dog we rescued. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I found the whole process to be easier than I expected. He recovered beautifully. Hang in there!
Eventually, we abandoned time-outs and switched to positive reinforcement (which is also hard) but she responded better too. We save the time outs now for the extra naughty stuff and ignore (mostly) all the other little stuff, rewarding or reinforcing some way (even maybe just with praise) the good stuff you want to see more of!
My sweet little smiling and adorable angel bit me and scratched me (on occasion) in the beginning too. I still have a scar on the back of my hand from when I tried to remove her physically from her bike after she didn't come to me when I called her. (heh, heh, I still show it to her now when I want her sympathy and compliance: "but look what you did to mama!" ;)).
Tricia, it will get better and you will figure it out. Hang in there. And thanks for keeping it real for all of us. Commiseration is a powerful tool!
1. Parenting is a journey. You're never completely done. The journey IS the destination. You might also say the destination IS the journey.
2. You have to figure out what her "currency" is. We rarely do time outs anymore, because the kids don't really care. In other words, getting a time out doesn't seem to bother them. What does work (for us) is loosing a book before bedtime. Especially Hallie. She gets 2 books before bed. Even if she looses 1 book (which rarely happens anymore) she has a complete meltdown and is devistated for the rest of the night.
3. Things take time. Your ways have got to be still very new to Rita.
That said, today when I tried a timeout I raised her time twice by 5 minutes if she got up. When we got to 15 minutes, after about 10 seconds, I said "If you get up one more time - no computer" (that's what when wanted to do when she got the timeout). I couldn't believe it but she STAYED IN THE CHAIR FOR 5 MINUTES. Unbelieveable!!!
I went to a great seminar by Deborah Grey of Attaching in Adoption fame. I'll post the highlights sometime later this week.
Best,
Suzanne
glad to hear Thani didn't have a bad case. i really need to get O'Reilly tested and on meds. he has turned into a serious waterdog - must be part fish, part ridgeback!
her eye looks fantastic. glad that went so well.
i'm not a parent so i don't want to intrude where i have not walked, but i have watched my friends walk this path with a 2 year old boy they adopted. he's now 14 and living in a positive peer culture situation working on his RAD issues that he came to them with and they had no clue how to deal with at the time. glad you know going in... and i am also an adult that is/was RAD ... anyway they have found a ton of help from www.thinkkids.org and collaborative problem solving.
and actually so have i, growing up with it and not getting the help i needed as a child. i don't know if any of the info there will help with some of the defiance, respect, and aggressive "affection" issues but thought i'd pass it along
i remember my friend telling me when they first adopted their son she would feel like a rag doll by 10 am - it sounds like you and michael are doing great at being students of what will help and giving each other breaks
they had him placed in an attachment treatment center and did the holding and until recently he still needed some intense holds by several people to regulate his emotions and bring him to a calm. so you are on the front side with a better chance of helping her get through things because you're already doing it.
keep taking care of yourselves, your relationship with each other so that you can face the challenges of parenting a wonderful child with some very special needs! bless you!
carri ann
I still flinch when Livi hugs me... just force of habit. Enough head butts & bloody lips will do that. She is much better these days- just alot of practice.
I can relate to your frustration, thanks for keeping it real & keep your chin up
Remember too, that bonding and attaching for her are probably very, very scary! While she probably wants to "submit" herself emotionally to you and Michael, that's such a big deal for a little girl whose heart doesn't yet know what that means.
I know that as S & S started to bond and attach, time-ins and consequences became much for effective. They are actually starting to want to please us. But until Rita surrenders to the attaching process, it's hard to employ any method because you don't have the attachment. But it will grow!
That said, we struggle with listening. They will sometimes openly defy us by doing the exact opposite of what we say. Good news is that they know it, and consequences are working.
Even a "strong-willed" child will ultimately want your love and approval. It will happen.
For what it's worth, I can't imagine anything more challenging than those first six months home. But it really will get better.
We too found our kids acting out to get to the point of "holding time". Now we short circuit it.
When we see signs of stress behavior or general crankiness we immediately suggest a "cuddle time" with Mamma or Pappa. This means rocking in their room, one on one, with the door shut and being held in the infant position. This is easier because ours are 2 and 3 but Rita may still crave what she didn't get when she was little.
In the beginning they resisted our "cuddle time" but now they ask for it before their behavior gets too bad. We have now added talking about their emotions, "Are you mad at _____?" or "Are you feeling sad?" I'm amazed at how much we elicit in these conversations. Now we also see them replaying our "cuddle time" with their toys. I love to hear what the toys feel.
For discipline we use "time in" but put our children face down over our laps. This seems to be an easier way to control our son who is pretty strong and wanted to hit and kick in the first few months. We hug and talk when the time is up. I still can't get them to sit in a regular type "time out" chair.
Just know we're all sending support. Please reach out and talk. I found that nothing felt better after a terrible day than a long phone call with e.
Ronda
I had trouble getting her to stay in the chair. One thing I would do is tell her that her time wouldn't start until she was in the chair. If she still refused, I would tell her that she could sit in the chair or I will add additional time. I usually add 30 seconds at a time. When I get to about 2 extra minutes, I switch strategies. And tell her that if she doesn't sit in the chair, I will sit with her -- she really hates this for some reason. In essense, we are having a time-in. I do not talk to her, make eye contact. She does kick and scream but after about a minute, she begins to calm. I think she just has a problem regulating her emotions and this gives her the time to calm down a bit.
I read "Parenting the strong-willed child" by Forehand and Long. I found that when we used the other techniques that they descibe in the book: attending, ignoring, rewarding, and giving directions, that we rarely had to use a time out.
p.s. I will also ask my friend who has a 6 year old little girl what works for them.
Her eye is looking nice! We will be around on Monday, if you guys want to get together.