Monday, November 24, 2008
Some Craziness For You
It's been a while since I've posted some real drama. Not that we don't have any ... we definitely have it going on over here ... but I've been thinking about what and how to say things. There are some things that I would like to share but I'm not sure who is reading the blog these days. So I'm thinking about going private but we will see. I am also wasting alot of time and keeping myself amused on Facebook so maybe I'll use that tool to vent. I just signed up about six months ago and it's been fun finding long lost friends from high school and my stint in the UK.
But here is the drama I will share. Rita's going through another testing phase. Or something. I find it hard to determine whether her thoughts and actions are typical, or adoption-related and/or could be a signal of a bigger problem. I don't think what's going on is of the "bigger problem" variety. I think she's acting out for attention and reassurance; perhaps regressing as she's getting more comfortable at home and at school.
1. Both at home and at school Rita has been alot more emotional. She will cry if she doesn't get her way ... and sometimes the cries will turn into a tantrum. She's cried over not getting to sit in the bean bag chair during reading time at her after school program; and not getting the top bunk for the first night of her camping trip to Camp Marston. She gets very upset if she isn't first for something or doesn't win when she's playing a game. This crying thing is very interesting to me because up until this point, Rita hasn't really cried that much. When we first brought her home she would cry but there wouldn't be tears and it was almost like she was going through the motions and sounds of crying. The emotion and tears are real now.
2. Rita has said a few times over the last few weeks - "you aren't my mom" or "you aren't my dad". In Indianapolis during her bedtime routine (after the party she didn't want to go to bed so it was a struggle) she said "you aren't my mom... you are just some lady". I was surprised (and hurt) but quick to answer back "So I'm your fake mom then? No way. I'm your real mom and will be forever - so you are going to have to deal with it". She says these things when she is tired or in the process of going to timeout. Perhaps this is forshadowing for some lovely teenage years!
3. Rita is also using the word "kill" when she doesn't get her way. In a fit of anger (usually when she is getting disciplined, or something isn't going her way) she'll say "I want to kill you (or "them" or "Thani")". Can you say, red flag alert! Holy moly I was freaked out the first time Michael said that she said this. So, we have asked her what she means. And we learned that she doesn't really know what "kill" means. Maybe she picked this up at school? She doesn't appreciate the severity of the word, and usually says this when she's mad at something like the cars driving too slow (go faster Mama!!) - or getting disciplined - or having to wait in line. So we have been coaching her that she has to say that she is angry and/or upset and has to explain why. Kill isn't the appropriate word. Also, we've been trying to downplay our reaction when she says the word "kill" because after a few times (during discipline) it seemed like she said it to get our attention and to throw us off base. Because we would freak out when she said this. She's very good at that ... diverting attention.
Besides all of this somewhat freaky stuff, Rita has been great! I've reached a new phase of love, confidence and comfort being her mother. Despite her three year old tantrums - oh, I forgot to mention - that she is not doing very good at listening to us these days (time outs are back in fashion) - she's great to be around. I look forward picking her up from camp and spending the whole weekend with her. She's been gone all weekend with M for their father-daughter camping weekend which happens 1X per month. She came home at lunchtime and gave me the biggest hug ever! And the last two nights she let me hold her and cuddle her as she went to sleep. She's happy and sweet and adorable and the best thing ever. Except for #1 through #3.
But here is the drama I will share. Rita's going through another testing phase. Or something. I find it hard to determine whether her thoughts and actions are typical, or adoption-related and/or could be a signal of a bigger problem. I don't think what's going on is of the "bigger problem" variety. I think she's acting out for attention and reassurance; perhaps regressing as she's getting more comfortable at home and at school.
1. Both at home and at school Rita has been alot more emotional. She will cry if she doesn't get her way ... and sometimes the cries will turn into a tantrum. She's cried over not getting to sit in the bean bag chair during reading time at her after school program; and not getting the top bunk for the first night of her camping trip to Camp Marston. She gets very upset if she isn't first for something or doesn't win when she's playing a game. This crying thing is very interesting to me because up until this point, Rita hasn't really cried that much. When we first brought her home she would cry but there wouldn't be tears and it was almost like she was going through the motions and sounds of crying. The emotion and tears are real now.
2. Rita has said a few times over the last few weeks - "you aren't my mom" or "you aren't my dad". In Indianapolis during her bedtime routine (after the party she didn't want to go to bed so it was a struggle) she said "you aren't my mom... you are just some lady". I was surprised (and hurt) but quick to answer back "So I'm your fake mom then? No way. I'm your real mom and will be forever - so you are going to have to deal with it". She says these things when she is tired or in the process of going to timeout. Perhaps this is forshadowing for some lovely teenage years!
3. Rita is also using the word "kill" when she doesn't get her way. In a fit of anger (usually when she is getting disciplined, or something isn't going her way) she'll say "I want to kill you (or "them" or "Thani")". Can you say, red flag alert! Holy moly I was freaked out the first time Michael said that she said this. So, we have asked her what she means. And we learned that she doesn't really know what "kill" means. Maybe she picked this up at school? She doesn't appreciate the severity of the word, and usually says this when she's mad at something like the cars driving too slow (go faster Mama!!) - or getting disciplined - or having to wait in line. So we have been coaching her that she has to say that she is angry and/or upset and has to explain why. Kill isn't the appropriate word. Also, we've been trying to downplay our reaction when she says the word "kill" because after a few times (during discipline) it seemed like she said it to get our attention and to throw us off base. Because we would freak out when she said this. She's very good at that ... diverting attention.
Besides all of this somewhat freaky stuff, Rita has been great! I've reached a new phase of love, confidence and comfort being her mother. Despite her three year old tantrums - oh, I forgot to mention - that she is not doing very good at listening to us these days (time outs are back in fashion) - she's great to be around. I look forward picking her up from camp and spending the whole weekend with her. She's been gone all weekend with M for their father-daughter camping weekend which happens 1X per month. She came home at lunchtime and gave me the biggest hug ever! And the last two nights she let me hold her and cuddle her as she went to sleep. She's happy and sweet and adorable and the best thing ever. Except for #1 through #3.
12 Comments:
Adopt A Child.orgAdopting from Russia
Eastern European Adoption Coalition, Inc
Embassy of the Russian Federation
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
Karen's Adoption Links
Older Child Adoption
Russia Adoption Blog
Russian Adoption Medical Services
Russian Family Search
Russian Toys
Vernissage Press
From our oldest, we heard for about the first year that we were his "fake parents." It did hurt. We would respond similar to you. He finally quit saying it after about a year - he struggled so much with loyalty to Russia, to us, etc. Everyone had let him down and he was thinking we would do the same thing.
Sounds like you are staying consistent though and I'm sure that goes a long way.
Sadly, we too are considering taking our blog private after a friend had a scare with hers. There are so many people dropping by from all over the world. While I'm sure that most, if not all, are simply enjoying our story as we enjoy yours, I also worry that I am too open with our personal information for the whole world to have access. It's a shame that we can't share and encourage each other freely without being afraid of those who might have unkind motives.
Thanks for sharing with us!
First was from our ped. He said (and I'm sure you read this) is that about every 6 months children's brains change. Their senses change and it can be disorienting. Usually the only way for them to process this change is to retest everything they know. It can be a struggle for adults since they can't feel or see the change, but it happens.
The second was from Oleg's preschool teacher. Her son has SPD and was talking to me about stages. She said that all people have to go through all the stages in life. Emotional and sensory. For example, all children go through an oral stage. They put everything in their mouths. This usually happens at around 12-18 months. If they somehow skip this stage they will go back and repeat it at a later age. For her son it was 4 years old. He began licking everything in sight. Oleg is currently repeating the olfactory and oral stage. He has to smell everything and is beginning to explore things with his mouth. It's gross.
But what I'm getting at is that odds are Rita passed the tantrum stage because the children basically were not allowed such freedoms. She's bound to repeat whatever she's missed. I suppose it's just a long drawn out way of explaining regression. (sorry that was so long)
Basically things got better when we made a point of not reacting. We'd tell him that those types of words were not allowed in our house and say when he was ready to talk to us in a calm manner, we'd be happy to hear what he had to say. He wanted us to get angry with him and when that didn't happen, he was a bit deflated. hopefully something like that will work with Rita, and in time, this phase will pass too.
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/404_how-should-i-respond-when-my-child-says-i-hate-you_69220.pc
Happy Thanksgiving to your family!
You're learning how to be great parents (and you are!) and she's learning how to be a daughter and a little girl who is dearly loved by her family. Our kids never had that--imagine how scary it is to go from no love to so much! Hang in there; more good times to come.